Books & Authors: What advice should I give my friend on her horrible writing?

You need to tell her the truth, but based on her sensitivity level, let her down easy. Tell her that she needs a lot of improvement on her writing, mechanics, punctuation, etc. And I agree that it needs improvement. The writing bounces all over the placed and bits of dialogue that should be in new paragraphs are jumbled into one. Encourage her to look into a creative writing course and take lessons. She needs to educate herself if she is serious about becoming a writer.